dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
