Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
