he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
