i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
should my penis look like a turkey
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize