Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
