marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize