Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
