I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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