I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
im on a boat
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