I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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