When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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