I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
