He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You are the jesus of drinking
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
