I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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