Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
