Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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