I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
