McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The beer is more important than you right now.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
