i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
