He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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