Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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