make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
