You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
