I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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