Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
