I met the friendliest cop last night
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
