I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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