He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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