I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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