My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize