May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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