I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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