I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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