And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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