I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
