I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
