Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
