mondays should just be called national damage control day
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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