Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
