they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
