I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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