do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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