how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize