is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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