So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
