walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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