if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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