You made me cry and you don't even care
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
