Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
