Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Randomize
