I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I got inside last night via doggy door
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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