I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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