If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my being single is dangerous.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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