how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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