Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
