So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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