ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
