Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
