I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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