Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
