you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
