Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
