Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize