If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
