Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
