everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
