Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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