Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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