my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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