I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
