I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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