If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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