He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
