my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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